Asian Uprising Inspired by Valley Elites

Major Major Major Major, Editor

Pandemonium erupted at Valley High School in West Des Moines when several stereotypical "over-achieving" Asians were refused admittance into the Association of Overly-Accomplished Test Takers [AOATT]. Blaming white supremacy, these disgruntled and coincidentally well-organized students began the controversial Asian Uprising.

"It just happened immediately," said President Janice "Skulls" Lee, head of the uprising committee. "All the people that were suspicious of the blatant white man propaganda of AOATT just came together. It helped that we just all happened to be Asian, considering all Asians know each other. Plus, an overwhelming majority of the Valley Asian population are members of the orchestra."

The Asian Uprising, founded upon principles of "Azn Pride,"has significantly progressed in its outreach. So far, the Uprising boasts a three-member committee and several potentially interested followers. The Uprising’s main objective is to make Azn Pride a mainstream belief, like kabbalah or astrology. Currently, the Uprising practices feng shui, taoism, buddhism, shintoism, karate, jujitsu, culinary sushi art, kabuki theater and crazy Japanese video games likely to cause seizures.

Thus far a civil lawsuit has not been filed.

"Technically, we do have one whole minority in AOATT," said AOATT member and Valley senior Ashley Spacey, "it just happens that the single minority is divided into two people. We’ve got two half-Japanese students that radiate with the Asian culture. They both tell me that they’ve eaten Chinese food before. That counts, right?"

"We personally think that all peoples of Asian descent are great," said AOATT representative Jack Buttes, "it’s just that we prefer to see them in kung-fu movies kicking ninja patootie or cooking that yummy Chinese takeout. They can’t do that if they’re busy trying to get into the Association of Overly-Anglo- I mean, Accomplished Test Takers. We're only looking out for the best interest of our society."

Valley Administrators Accept Addendum to Dress Code

G-Monkey Louie, Grand Poobah of Stoplight Alumni

ROOM 113 – An emergency meeting called by Valley’s administrators over the urgent dress code issue has added new regulations to the Valley dress code, suggested by Principal Dr. Goode. Previously, students were not allowed to bare their midriffs or show undergarments. Now, the addition to the dress code (affectionately referred to as the Goode Corollary) states that closed-toe shoes are mandatory, as well as head coverings that cover all hair.

"We feel that these new regulations will increase students’ ability to concentrate in class" said Official Michael Tilmett. "Now, the numerous students who find feet or hair arousing or distracting will be fully able to devote their attentions to their studies instead of their classmates. I know that when I was in school, I continually stared at the soft, silky hair of the girl who sat in front of me, wanting to... but I digress. The fact is, teenagers’ hormones necessitate this dress code so they can concentrate on the tasks at hand."

The administrators have found that the Goode Corollary conflicts with a previous ruling on headwear, but the general consensus is that the benefits gained from concealing the outrageous and arousing hairstyles that have run rampant in the school in the past few years outweigh the small harm from distracting cranial apparel.

"It’s obvious to any observer that there’s no way hats can be more distracting than hair" said Valley junior Arthur Andershmidt. "And if they are, the administration can just restrict what hats students can and can’t wear. I mean, they do the same thing with shirts, and people don’t recommend that students walk around topless. Although that would be pretty cool."

The footwear restrictions are also praised as being extremely ingenious, since they will allow many students who are distracted by attractive feet to study without irresistible distractions. The percentage of teens who find attractive feet distracting is much larger than the administrators initially thought when the dress code was first instituted.

"The recent poll taken at Valley High School shows that 72% of all students in attendance have foot fetishes" claimed accomplished psychologist and West Des Moines resident Hans Holbincht. "It’s really true. Many teenagers are often distracted by beautiful feet in class. They’ll deny it, but the results are conclusive. You can even ask your friends, but they’ll probably deny it too until you find their hidden copy of the latest issue of Foot Fancy, which 68% of all households in Iowa subscribe to."

Many students are already hailing this new dress code as a boon for productivity. Students who follow administrative activity are predicting huge improvements in test scores and performance in class.

"I’ll never be distracted by that cute guy in the front row of my Biology class who always wears sandals" said Valley junior Ariel Pontrey. "He has the cutest feet and they always pulled my attention away from the teacher’s lectures. Now we can save intimate things like our feet and hair to be enjoyed in private, with people that we are intimate with, instead of baring them for the entire student body to gawk at."

After startling election day defeats, Feudalist Party forced to self-evaluate

Herbert Spew, Editor

WASHINGTON– Days after an astonishing election in which Feudalist Party Candidates for President, House, and Senate lost elections nationwide, Presidential Candidate Maximillian XXIII and leader of the Feudalist Party issued a concession speech.

"We were so close in just a few battleground states, and I wanted to insure that the all the votes were counted – to do otherwise would disenfranchise the millions of loyal supporters that waited in the long lines in order to vote for my party and me."

In the weeks leading up to the election, political pundits and pollsters predicted a high voter turnout that would favor the Feudalists in their bids for election. In every state except for Mississippi, however, Feudalist candidates lost by heavy margins to Republican and Democratic tickets.

Political analyst Art Vandalay told the Stoplight, "the Feudalist Party simply was not able to connect to voters at the most basic level. Their platform of abolishing income taxes, cities, last names, and generally returning to 'the good olde days' did not resonate with voters in the way they thought it would. After such clear defeats, the Feudalists are going to have to re-evaluate how they are projecting their ideas, and whether those ideas represent a significant part of the United States population."

Coffee Bar Plans Under French-ness Investigation

Chase Nordengren, Reporter

Room 113 – Documents released to Stoplight yesterday confirm that Valley High School's plans to build a coffee bar are under investigation by the Department of Defense for "suspicious amounts of French-ness." Valley announced the additions of a coffee bar and large-screen television to the student center in late September, an effort to make the school more inviting.

"We know all students here just love the school," Principal Dr. Frances Goode said, " it's just always lacked a certain ... je ne sais quoi."

"Defense has always been concerned about Valley's French quotient," an anonymous Pentagon official said. "I mean, all the elements are there: the elitism, the smarmy attitudes, the taste in fine accessories. It's just never been a national security threat until now." US Assistant Secretary of Defense for Public Relations Mac Arthy released a statement quickly denying any investigation. "At this time, all French-ness resources are directed at curbing the dangerously French ways of our most rebellious state, Canada."

Bring 'Em Back To Iowa' Campaign Resorts To Kidnap, Bribery

Ken "The Romantic Poetry King" Simms, Reporter

ROOM 113 - One year into Iowa’s "Bring Them Home Campaign", efforts to return former Iowans to the state escalated to a new level with the alleged Halloween kidnapping of former Iowans, Bill and Julie Ringwalter. The surprised couple had just returned home from work Friday, October 29th, when two men burst into their St. Paul, Minnesota apartment.

The couple was tipped off to the state's involvement by the two men's t-shirts which read "Iowa: Fields of Opportunities." "I didn't know what to think," recalled Bill, "I mean, we had gotten cards about it before, and were invited to a breakfast that was pretty nice, but I never thought it was going to go this far."

The men arrived back in the safety of Iowa borders with the Ringwalters at 11:58 p.m., making this a true midnight raid. A representative for the State of Iowa who wished to remain unnamed had this to say: "It's been too long that these youth have just tossed away a land that nurtured them in its bosom, and fed it from the teat of its land. Kid's grow up and then leave here, and we're just tired of it."

So far no federal investigation has been launched. "I took this job to help the people of Iowa," the Iowa representative added, "but sometimes, they need a little push in the right direction."

Bill and Julie were temporarily housed in the guestroom at the Governor's Mansion. "I mean, they've been really nice to us and all, and my mom's thrilled that I'm back, but I just never saw myself living the rest of my life in Iowa," Julie told the Stoplight. Along with the Ringwalters, eight other couples have been 'relocated' to Iowa. Along with kidnapping, there has also been alleged bribery from Iowa officials to bring senior citizens in Boca Raton, Florida, back to their native land.

"I spent my whole life in Iowa," Carol Barker said, "and I have just had it with the winters. I'm sorry, but it's just so nice and warm down here." Barker claims that she has recently been contacted by the State Department, offering her generous relocation funds and valuable property near the Potawotami Bingo facility.