Valley Administrators Accept Addendum to Dress Code

G-Monkey Louie, Grand Poobah of Stoplight Alumni

ROOM 113 – An emergency meeting called by Valley’s administrators over the urgent dress code issue has added new regulations to the Valley dress code, suggested by Principal Dr. Goode. Previously, students were not allowed to bare their midriffs or show undergarments. Now, the addition to the dress code (affectionately referred to as the Goode Corollary) states that closed-toe shoes are mandatory, as well as head coverings that cover all hair.

"We feel that these new regulations will increase students’ ability to concentrate in class" said Official Michael Tilmett. "Now, the numerous students who find feet or hair arousing or distracting will be fully able to devote their attentions to their studies instead of their classmates. I know that when I was in school, I continually stared at the soft, silky hair of the girl who sat in front of me, wanting to... but I digress. The fact is, teenagers’ hormones necessitate this dress code so they can concentrate on the tasks at hand."

The administrators have found that the Goode Corollary conflicts with a previous ruling on headwear, but the general consensus is that the benefits gained from concealing the outrageous and arousing hairstyles that have run rampant in the school in the past few years outweigh the small harm from distracting cranial apparel.

"It’s obvious to any observer that there’s no way hats can be more distracting than hair" said Valley junior Arthur Andershmidt. "And if they are, the administration can just restrict what hats students can and can’t wear. I mean, they do the same thing with shirts, and people don’t recommend that students walk around topless. Although that would be pretty cool."

The footwear restrictions are also praised as being extremely ingenious, since they will allow many students who are distracted by attractive feet to study without irresistible distractions. The percentage of teens who find attractive feet distracting is much larger than the administrators initially thought when the dress code was first instituted.

"The recent poll taken at Valley High School shows that 72% of all students in attendance have foot fetishes" claimed accomplished psychologist and West Des Moines resident Hans Holbincht. "It’s really true. Many teenagers are often distracted by beautiful feet in class. They’ll deny it, but the results are conclusive. You can even ask your friends, but they’ll probably deny it too until you find their hidden copy of the latest issue of Foot Fancy, which 68% of all households in Iowa subscribe to."

Many students are already hailing this new dress code as a boon for productivity. Students who follow administrative activity are predicting huge improvements in test scores and performance in class.

"I’ll never be distracted by that cute guy in the front row of my Biology class who always wears sandals" said Valley junior Ariel Pontrey. "He has the cutest feet and they always pulled my attention away from the teacher’s lectures. Now we can save intimate things like our feet and hair to be enjoyed in private, with people that we are intimate with, instead of baring them for the entire student body to gawk at."