Advisories to be Separated by Race

The administration of Glen High School has introduced a cutting-edge
innovation to its advisories, which it hopes will revitalize the popularity of
advisories and kindle closer bonding between students.
“Starting next year, advisories will be reorganized in order to make each one
racially continuous,” Dr. Goode said during her Principal’s Advisory Council
meeting. “With the success of the sexually segregated advisories," she
said, "but also considering the recent controversy of where to place
transvestite students, this improvement is much needed and anticipated.”
The new racially segregated advisories will be called “Pride Groups” and are
aimed to remove racial tensions that exist between members of different races
in the same advisories. The “Pride Groups” will compete against one another in
physical and mental tests compelled by friendly rivalry.
In addition, Dr. Goode says members of the opposite sex and the same race will be in the same advisory so that they will be more likely to marry and reproduce. This, she
says, will enhance Valley’s “racial purity,” which she claims has been
slipping in recent polls.
Dr. Goode has released the names and races of some new “Pride Groups”
Adding Phvfaweriopq: Laotian
Rocky “The Graz.” Balboa: Italian
Miniwell: African-American
Murphy McSmall: Irish
The administration says that, if the “pride groups” work out next year, they
will implement “Race Zones,” in which Blacks will be restricted to the field
house, Asians to the orchestra and math wings, and Whites to the underwater
basket weaving wing.

Guy McKeon, investigative reporter