Sophomore Touches Himself in Media Center

Harry Neinholz, a sophomore, was caught fondling himself in the Media Center yesterday according to Valet High School’s Lewd Act Prevention Team. Also known as LAPT, this group of officers, students, and teachers is dedicated to stopping what has become an ever-increasing problem ever since this year’s class of sophomores arrived.
“It is a vulgar and disgusting habit that is best left at home or in the bathroom,” said the school’s librarian, who says that 80% of her time is spent on the prevention of these lewd acts.
“While everyone enjoys a little touching of himself and/or herself,” said associate principal Mr. Phaovzmehis, “a school library and/or media center are/is no place for this activity.”
As punishment, Harry Neinholz’s face will be shown on the school television announcements under the heading “LAPT’s Pervert of the Week.” Also, he must volunteer twenty hours of community service to the library of his choice and may only work on a school computer under the supervision of an LAPT officer.
Neinholz refused to comment until he was pinned down by two large senior associates of the Stoplight. “I’m sorry,” he said repeatedly, visibly shaken.