Bring 'Em Back To Iowa' Campaign Resorts To Kidnap, Bribery

Ken "The Romantic Poetry King" Simms, Reporter

ROOM 113 - One year into Iowa’s "Bring Them Home Campaign", efforts to return former Iowans to the state escalated to a new level with the alleged Halloween kidnapping of former Iowans, Bill and Julie Ringwalter. The surprised couple had just returned home from work Friday, October 29th, when two men burst into their St. Paul, Minnesota apartment.

The couple was tipped off to the state's involvement by the two men's t-shirts which read "Iowa: Fields of Opportunities." "I didn't know what to think," recalled Bill, "I mean, we had gotten cards about it before, and were invited to a breakfast that was pretty nice, but I never thought it was going to go this far."

The men arrived back in the safety of Iowa borders with the Ringwalters at 11:58 p.m., making this a true midnight raid. A representative for the State of Iowa who wished to remain unnamed had this to say: "It's been too long that these youth have just tossed away a land that nurtured them in its bosom, and fed it from the teat of its land. Kid's grow up and then leave here, and we're just tired of it."

So far no federal investigation has been launched. "I took this job to help the people of Iowa," the Iowa representative added, "but sometimes, they need a little push in the right direction."

Bill and Julie were temporarily housed in the guestroom at the Governor's Mansion. "I mean, they've been really nice to us and all, and my mom's thrilled that I'm back, but I just never saw myself living the rest of my life in Iowa," Julie told the Stoplight. Along with the Ringwalters, eight other couples have been 'relocated' to Iowa. Along with kidnapping, there has also been alleged bribery from Iowa officials to bring senior citizens in Boca Raton, Florida, back to their native land.

"I spent my whole life in Iowa," Carol Barker said, "and I have just had it with the winters. I'm sorry, but it's just so nice and warm down here." Barker claims that she has recently been contacted by the State Department, offering her generous relocation funds and valuable property near the Potawotami Bingo facility.