All-Star Receiver Kills Three, Receives Two Detentions and a Warning

By: Alfred Hamsington, special correspondent



Miriam Hazelton, victim #2, enjoyed knitting. (Google images)

Jack Blandwig, all-star receiver for Valet High School, killed three elderly women from St. Judith’s Retirement Castle yesterday. After slitting their throats, apparently to “watch them die,” he dumped their bodies into a nearby drainage ditch. His punishments, which are two half-hour detentions (to be served after the football season) and a stern warning from Dr. Goode, have been challenged by his parents, coaches, and teammates for being too harsh. The three women were past their golden years, his parents explained, and were no longer of much value to the community.

Some students have expressed the very irrational, strange opinion that Blandwig did not receive enough punishment and that he was spared because he is such an asset to Valet High School’s football team.

“I was caught skipping,” one student who preferred to remain anonymous said, “and was sterilized as punishment. Now I can’t have kids. Why are they so lenient on Blandwig, considering his earlier rapes and murders?”

“The killing of innocent people is not condemned by our student activity conduct code,” Mr. Buncan, athletic coordinator, said, “Whomever the important students kill is their own affair.”

Many students have donned “Free Blandwig” t-shirts made by the FFRA, or the Fellowship of Filthy-Rich Athletes, and are calling for the administration to pardon him of all convictions. The families of the three deceased, who were threatening to sue, recently left town after their houses were burned to the ground by mobs of Valet students.

“There have been many useless students who received little punishment for their crimes,” Mr. Buncan said " for example, a mock trial student was once pardoned of murder because he ate the victim and that was considered less wasteful.”

All we can do is pray and hope that the administration will come to its senses and revoke its authoritarian measures against our school’s valiant football player.