Crispy Cream Attacked

ANKENY-The Ankeny Crispy Cream store was bombed early yesterday morning by terrorists.
The store, which is on Iowa’s list of possible terrorist targets, was blown up by three suicide bombers during the store’s busiest time of the day, early morning, when the doughnuts are fresh and warm.
The attack wounded three people. One is being treated for a splinter he suffered while exiting the building, and two are in the hospital for running into each other.
Three police officers were at the store, two of them were on duty at the time. The third officer was on medical leave that day due to a heart condition.
“This was an unprovoked and violent attack on innocent civilians.” Police spokesman, Lightning Calhoun said.
Some people are already saying that the attack was made possible due to a lack of security in Iowa and the metro area.
“If the Governor had just given Crispy Cream more security funding then this attack never would have happened.” Cristy Creem, a concerned citizen, local entrepreneur, and owner of several doughnut franchises in Iowa, said.
When questioned on this, Calhoun said that the state had already given several thousand dollars to Crispy Cream Corporation.
“Crispy Cream Corporation has failed to provide evidence of how they spent the money appropriated to them.” Calhoun said. “If they cannot account for the money we gave them then we cannot give them more money.”
The security at Crispy Cream stores has significantly increased since the attack.
“It is now recommended that customers show up an hour early and have all materials with them ready to be searched.” Cream said. “We are installing metal detectors and X-ray screens at all entrances into the building, but that doesn’t really matter because all customers are subject to a mandatory strip search and full body cavity search.”
Crispy Cream is now looking into designs for a memorial for the attack. The front runner for the memorial is a large, glistening statue of a donut being eaten by a fat guard.
“It really speaks to the causes of this catastrophe I think.” Nick Manna, designer of the
memorial said.

By: Kiyae Alleghieri
Editor-In-Chief
Most Pristine and Ethereal Ruler