Swiss Declare War on Iowa School

BERN, SWITZERLAND- This morning, Moritz Leuenberger, president of Switzerland, issued a formal statement declaring war on Valley High School.
The declaration was passed unanimously by the Swiss Federal Council.
"This, 'Student Conduct Code' is no doubt illegal. We feel that this threatens our country, and as a result this school must face the consequences, and that is why we have just launched a fleet of nuclear missiles. " President Leuenberger said.
The code in question was adopted this year. The policy states that, "this policy applies in all countries and locations throughout the world (including international waters), regardless of whether the possession or use of alcohol by a student is legal or not prohibited by law in the location where it is possessed or used." Many feel that the code therefore would give the school worldwide jurisdiction, and it would supersede even the laws of other countries.
Many have questioned if Switzerland's military capabilities are enough.
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the nail clippers right here." Renowned military expert Jerry Seinfeld said.
Mr. Seinfeld did not comment about the possibility that Switzerland may contain massive numbers of nuclear warheads.
"The school administration vehemently denies all rumors that the Swiss has initiated strategic missile launch," a spokesperson for the Goode administration said as shock-waves leveled most of downtown Des Moines.