Coffee Bar Plans Under French-ness Investigation

Chase Nordengren, Reporter

Room 113 – Documents released to Stoplight yesterday confirm that Valley High School's plans to build a coffee bar are under investigation by the Department of Defense for "suspicious amounts of French-ness." Valley announced the additions of a coffee bar and large-screen television to the student center in late September, an effort to make the school more inviting.

"We know all students here just love the school," Principal Dr. Frances Goode said, " it's just always lacked a certain ... je ne sais quoi."

"Defense has always been concerned about Valley's French quotient," an anonymous Pentagon official said. "I mean, all the elements are there: the elitism, the smarmy attitudes, the taste in fine accessories. It's just never been a national security threat until now." US Assistant Secretary of Defense for Public Relations Mac Arthy released a statement quickly denying any investigation. "At this time, all French-ness resources are directed at curbing the dangerously French ways of our most rebellious state, Canada."