Sophomore Touches Himself in Media Center

Harry Neinholz, a sophomore, was caught fondling himself in the Media Center yesterday according to Valet High School’s Lewd Act Prevention Team. Also known as LAPT, this group of officers, students, and teachers is dedicated to stopping what has become an ever-increasing problem ever since this year’s class of sophomores arrived.
“It is a vulgar and disgusting habit that is best left at home or in the bathroom,” said the school’s librarian, who says that 80% of her time is spent on the prevention of these lewd acts.
“While everyone enjoys a little touching of himself and/or herself,” said associate principal Mr. Phaovzmehis, “a school library and/or media center are/is no place for this activity.”
As punishment, Harry Neinholz’s face will be shown on the school television announcements under the heading “LAPT’s Pervert of the Week.” Also, he must volunteer twenty hours of community service to the library of his choice and may only work on a school computer under the supervision of an LAPT officer.
Neinholz refused to comment until he was pinned down by two large senior associates of the Stoplight. “I’m sorry,” he said repeatedly, visibly shaken.

Time for a Change: Zombies

The security of our school is in grave danger. Our brothers, our sisters, our classmates are all unprotected from the most dangerous threat of all. Communists? No. Terrorists? No. Paparazzi? No, but we have a plan for that.

Zombies. The resurrected bodies of the dead risen and craving human flesh. Our school is vulnerable to such terror because the school officials don't consider this a threat! The spokesperson for Valley High -after admitting their lack of preparedness- went so far as to say, “I don't believe in zombies.” Why are these people keeping us in the dark? I turned to my fellow students for their oft-ignored opinion. Out of 31 people, 44% (15 people) wouldn't mind a zombie apocalypse, 8% (3 people) wouldn't want a zombie apocalypse, 17% (6 people) don't believe in zombies, and 31% (11 people) need more information about zombies. We need to educate our students and teachers on defending our school, and we need to stockpile emergency supplies. It will come, and we must be prepared. It's time for a change.

By: Ted Creevey
Opinion Editor and Op-Ed Writer for the 'Time for a Change' section.

('Time for a Change' is a periodical Op-Ed column written by Ted Creevey, the Stoplight's opinion section editor and is a column dedicated to effecting change at Valet High school for the betterment of student life. It does not reflect the views or opinions of the newspaper, the editor-in-chief, the school, or anyone at all except the author.)

Advisories to be Separated by Race

The administration of Glen High School has introduced a cutting-edge
innovation to its advisories, which it hopes will revitalize the popularity of
advisories and kindle closer bonding between students.
“Starting next year, advisories will be reorganized in order to make each one
racially continuous,” Dr. Goode said during her Principal’s Advisory Council
meeting. “With the success of the sexually segregated advisories," she
said, "but also considering the recent controversy of where to place
transvestite students, this improvement is much needed and anticipated.”
The new racially segregated advisories will be called “Pride Groups” and are
aimed to remove racial tensions that exist between members of different races
in the same advisories. The “Pride Groups” will compete against one another in
physical and mental tests compelled by friendly rivalry.
In addition, Dr. Goode says members of the opposite sex and the same race will be in the same advisory so that they will be more likely to marry and reproduce. This, she
says, will enhance Valley’s “racial purity,” which she claims has been
slipping in recent polls.
Dr. Goode has released the names and races of some new “Pride Groups”
Adding Phvfaweriopq: Laotian
Rocky “The Graz.” Balboa: Italian
Miniwell: African-American
Murphy McSmall: Irish
The administration says that, if the “pride groups” work out next year, they
will implement “Race Zones,” in which Blacks will be restricted to the field
house, Asians to the orchestra and math wings, and Whites to the underwater
basket weaving wing.

Guy McKeon, investigative reporter