No-Harm-Done Advice Column: Four Simple Steps to Gaming

Christian Harms, Advice Columnist

Have you ever felt the thrill of banishing Mephistopheles, the Lord of the Eighth Circle of Hell, after battling your way through an army of living corpses, being betrayed by your cohorts, and having every one of your hard earned buffs instantly dissolved with the wave of a wicked hand, and emerging victorious with 12 hit points left after the Dark Lord rolls a critical failure on his fortitude saving throw against your ultimate spell of destruction? If you haven’t, you’re missing out on the hip new world of gaming. If you follow these four simple steps, you will be able to become an ultimate gamer in less time than it takes to beat Kirby’s Dreamland (~17 minutes 42.57 seconds).

The first step is to get the right gaming systems and peripherals. This includes, but is not limited to: the Microsoft X-Box, Sony Playstation 2, and Nintendo Game Cube. It is critical that you have high speed internet access (at least 500 kbps), and a hardcore gamer also has a high-end PC. We’re not talking a wimpy computer that you buy at K-Mart. Put it all on your credit card so you don’t actually have to pay for it. You may also want to build your own nuclear power plant in your backyard to sustain your system’s energy needs and to continue gaming during blackouts.

Step two: choose your screen name. This is the most important step. Choosing your name is more important than choosing a house, a college, or even a spouse. You want to be original; using numbers in your name —uhh, NO! You don’t want to be the 28th lowlife (lowlife28) Make sure your name is easy to read, even by newbs. Names like tankarm and the like are always misread as pepp- three-roni and tan-karm. Some good gamertags are Zyos and Tsoedn, y’know, the easy but cool kind. You want to have an interesting gametag because, unlike your internet girlfriend, it will never hack your system or leave you.

The third step is to learn the lingo. There is a lot of communicating going on between gamers throughout the game, so you want to be able to decipher type and speak the gamer code. The biggest insult in any game is being called a newb. Swearing and foul language are considered complimentary. “You f***ing f***er you f***ing killed me!” translates to “Thank you for a good match. You are obviously a better player than I am.” BSTUAMAAPTSVGT (Be sure to use as many acronyms as possible to save valuable gaming time). That’s l33t.

The last and most fun step is to play the game! As soon as you hear about a game that will be released at a later date, reserve your copy. You don’t want to be the second person to get the game; you need to be the first. Be at your local gaming store at least 2 days prior to release. Bring your food, sleeping bag, and your favorite handheld system with lots of batteries so you don’t miss a minute of game time. When you do eventually get your game, you will want to stock your gaming area with plenty of Mountain Dew and chips. Keep playing until you have beaten the game. Don’t let anything stop you from playing: not school, not work, and certainly not, if you are of the lucky sort, girlfriends or boyfriends. As soon as you get to the last level of the game, call everyone you know and tell them. They will all probably idolize you.

By following these simple steps you will become a master gamer. So HF, DS, and above all have a GG!

Hope for Winter Weather Worshippers; New Administrative Policies Include Snow Days

Edwin Amberwood, Reporter

Shocking developments have occurred in the recent weeks in the new WDMCSD [West Des Moines Community School District] leadership. Fairies have taken over the job of determining school cancellations and relative schedule changes due to questionable weather. So far, WDMCSD schools have been cancelled for a total of three days. Two school days have been either delayed or cut short. This is the dawning of a timely snow day era; an unofficial four-year moratorium on snow days has finally been breached. No quote could be had from the student body. Every student questioned was too busy standing in stunned silence, contemplating if Lucifer was at that very moment donning his parka.

"Student safety is paramount, and we will work to keep your kids safe, even if that means a school day must be cancelled, delayed or cut short. If there is a possibility that in the future there might be a chance of any type of precipitation or other inclement weather conditions that could cause less than ideal driving conditions somewhere in Iowa, school will be cancelled," stated a press release in district aimed at quelling parent fears about the weather.

"It is about time they heeded some common sense," Cindy Wherewithal, a parent within the district pleased with the administration's new stance on weather and school. She is indicative of many student's parents, but not all. Owen Bese is concerned that some students have been able to avoid all Physical Education classes since late December. "Our kids are getting fatter by the second!"

Parental reactions are mixed, but West Des Moines's new Superintendent is clearly taking a more red-state approach toward school closings.